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| Shri Preethaji at Bodhi Mumbai Pic Courtesy: pkconsciousness |
My name is Sundari Venkatraman and I am an Indie Author living in Mumbai. I can call myself a bestselling Amazon author, all thanks to Sri Amma who writes novels (59 books, so far) through me, so much so that many times I don’t even recognize the words which I have typed out on my laptop.
It was in 1996 when Anuradha Chandrashekhar introduced me to Sri Bhagavan. I was so excited to know that God has come to live on earth along with us all. It was in 1997 when I attended my first Oneness Event, the Vara Yagna. I have never looked back after that.
Recently, I attended the Bodhi Mumbai Event from May 13-15, 2022 and received some tremendous teachings and Deekshas from Sri Preethaji and Acharya Samadarshiniji. I am truly blessed indeed. While receiving a number of experiences, awakenings and visions during the programme, I always value those which I continue to receive after returning home, ruminating on the teachings.
It hit me on Tuesday that I was undergoing a deep suffering state due to “lack of faith”. My close friends thought it was really odd as I have a powerful Antaryaamin where not only Amma & Bhagavan, but also Krishnaji, Preethaji, Lord Ganesha, Lord Murugan, Lord Shiva, Lord Venkateswara, Lord Jesus and others guide me during all my waking hours.
But the fact remains that I was suffering from lack of faith. I went back down memory lane and realised that I always believed that my prayers would be answered – in the vague future. Not in the NOW. We all know that linear time exists only in our earthly realm and nowhere else in the universe. What does that make me then? Exactly! I WAS a person WITHOUT FAITH.
I was SHATTERED! While I have been sort of aware of my lack of faith, I had never realised the depth of it. I felt as if I was uprooted and blown away in the wind, unable to find a foothold anywhere.
If there was no faith in me, then what or who was God? I had NO GOD now. I wanted to hit my head against a wall, which is what I did in my mind. So hard did I break my head that the next moment, I threw my arms up in the air, totally giving up. I felt that my life was not worth living if I had no God in it.
I was in tears and I thought to myself, “Who should I speak to, now that I have found out there is no God? After all, how can there be a God when there is no faith?” You will understand how heartbroken I must have been as I speak to God through all my waking hours, chatting non-stop.
I suddenly recalled Sri Preethaji mentioning, “whether you are a theist or an atheist, it does not matter. Both hold a powerful belief. While one believes there is no God, the other believes that there is God.” NOW WHAT DID THAT MAKE ME? I was neither here nor there.
I continued to hold my suffering like a baby, looked into it without losing courage. I have to thank my Amma Bhagavan for this. I had requested them not to allow me to stop this midway and escape from it, until I experienced it to the full.
Last night, when I went to sleep, Lord Murugan (my Ishta Devata) told me to rest well, but to continue with the process the next day. I was wide awake, so I said, “Why not do it right now?” I saw Amma nodding as she said, “You are right. Go on.” And so, I continued to experience the suffering of having no faith. I don’t know when I went to sleep.
I woke up at around 4 am, grinning. YES! However strange that might sound, I was grinning widely to myself and to my Divine. Just as I wondered what had happened to me suddenly, I was gurgling with laughter.
I had no faith! So what?! That is all there is to it. I had nothing to do with it. It was simply lack of faith. It took a lot of control not to burst out laughing loudly as I giggled softly to myself, careful not to wake my husband up. I WAS COMPLETELY FREE OF MY SUFFERING!!!
What do I say? I am so full of gratitude to all my Gods and my Gurus for their invaluable Deekshas and blessings.
Another thing I noticed in the middle of the night. My chattering mind, hundreds and thousands of thoughts buzzing in my head always… don’t quite know what has happened to it. I feel strange pockets of silence, without chatter. It’s so new and so strange that I am not even sure what is happening. Will keep you all informed regarding this process as it progresses.
And as for the suffering states, I have not stopped the process. I plan to continue to run through each state of suffering, only to stop when I am completely out of suffering – just as Sri Krishnaji has promised that it’s possible to be.
My prayer – to lift the consciousness of at least one lakh people to the states I rise up to.
Ekam Tapas – here I come… soon!!!
